Insights for Emotional Resilience and Effective Parenting

Sticks and Stones Can Break My Bones but Words Can Never Hurt Me (Unless I Let Them)

There’s an old saying that goes something like this: “Sticks and stones can break my bones, but words can never hurt me.” There’s just one problem. Words can hurt. Maybe not physically, but emotionally. I therefore decided to come up with my own version of “Sticks and Stones” that is a little closer to reality. While we have little control over whether physical attacks are painful, we can control how words affect us. Our emotional response will be very much affected by how we think about both the words being said and the person saying them. If we view the words as truth and the person saying them as credible, we will be “hurt” by them. If we view the words as nonsense and the person as ridiculous, then we will not be hurt by them. Therefore, it is not the words themselves, but how we interpret the words, that will determine how we react emotionally. In other words, words can only hurt if we let them.

You Can Pay Now and Play Later, or You Can Play Now and Pay Later (but There’s a Lot More Later Than There is Now)

Many of the children and teens with whom I work have big-time homework issues. They do not see the immediate value of completing homework and have difficulty connecting with the future. As a result, they are often unwilling to make present sacrifices for future gains. I use the saying to help them see that homework today equals dollars tomorrow. I tell them that you can pay now (by completing homework) and play later (by having money to spend on fun things) or you can play now (play video games all day and don’t bother with homework) and pay later (with a boring, low-paying job and little money to spend on fun things), but there’s a lot more later (your life after you have completed your education) than there is now (time spent in school). This saying has resonated with many of my patients and has inspired them to think differently about homework.

Just Say “Yes” (to Parental Requests)

“Yes” is a happy (positive) word that brings smiles to people’s faces, both to the person saying “yes” and to the person hearing “yes.” “Yes” is contagious. People tend to say “yes” more often when they hear “yes” more often. “No” is a very unhappy (negative) word that brings a frown to people’s faces, both to the person saying “no” and to the person hearing “no.” “No” is also contagious. People tend to say “no” more often when they hear “no” more often. If you want to get more of what you want in life, then just say “yes.” Parents love hearing it from their children and are then more inclined to give their children what they want, as long as the request is reasonable. By the same token, children love to hear “yes” from their parents and will be more inclined to do what their parents ask of them, as long as the request is reasonable. Positivity breeds positivity, and negativity breeds negativity. If you want to have oppositional children, just keep saying “no.” If you want to have grumpy parents, just keep saying “no.”

Yelling Doesn’t Work

Yelling not only doesn’t work, but it can’t work, and here’s why. When a parent yells at a child to stop throwing a tantrum, for example, the parent’s goal is for the child to stop the ongoing behavior. In order to stop an ongoing behavior, a person needs to exercise self-control. Self-control requires a person to be aware of what they are doing (self-awareness), which requires them to think about what they are doing (self-monitoring). These executive control skills are mediated through the part of our brain called the Prefrontal Cortex, which we might call the “thinking brain.” When a child is throwing a tantrum, the emotional part of the brain, called the Amygdala, is highly stimulated. As we all know, it is very hard to think rationally when we are emotionally aroused. In other words, when the Amygdala is operating in full force, the Prefrontal Cortex is on vacation in Hawaii. Yelling at a child will further stimulate his or her amygdala, rendering their Prefrontal Cortex inoperative, making it impossible for them to exercise self-control and stop whatever they are doing. Therefore, yelling does not and cannot bring a child to the point where they are able to stop the behavior that they are being told to stop.

You Can’t Always Get What You Want (but You Can Make It Easier to Get What You Want)

An attitude of entitlement is based on the underlying belief that “I should always get what I want, and if I don’t, it’s a terrible, awful thing.” Having this basic underlying belief dooms children (and adults too) to a life of disappointment and misery, since, unfortunately, we can’t always get what we want. Accepting the idea that we can’t always get what we want lifts a huge load off our shoulders and allows us to take the next step, which is recognizing that we can do things to make it more likely that we get what we want. What are those things? It’s as simple as “Just Say Yes.” The more that we give people (e.g., parents, teachers, and other persons of authority) what they want, the more that they will be willing to give us what we want, as long as our wants are reasonable. We can’t always control whether we get what we want, but we can control the likelihood of getting what we want.

Go With the Flow and Take It Where You Want to Go Go With the Flow and Take It Where You Want to Go

When dealing with oppositional people, directly disagreeing with them does not usually bring them around to your point of view. In working with oppositional people, I have a policy of not directly disagreeing with things that they say, no matter how inaccurate, outrageous, or unflattering those statements may be. Instead, I will acknowledge what they are saying and then begin to ask questions that will gently move them to consider a different point of view. For example, if a child says that their mother is always yelling at them, I might begin by asking if by “always” they mean “24/7” or “even when she’s sleeping?” They will generally acknowledge that they do not literally mean “always.” At this point, I can gradually bring them around to see that their mother usually yells at them when they are doing something that they were told not to do or not doing something that they were told to do. People are much more willing to see your point of view when they have come to that point of view on their own (or with a little bit of indirect assistance) than when they feel that you are trying to change their mind. It’s all about control.

Depth Plus Distortion Equals Confusion and Depression, While

DEPTH PLUS ACCURACY EQUALS CLARITY AND CONTENTMENT

In my 35 years of practice, I have seen many children, adolescents, and adult who are deep thinkers. Depth can be both a blessing and a curse, depending upon how people process incoming information. When incoming information is processed inaccurately, people often jump to inaccurate conclusions, leaving them confused and upset. Inaccurate processing often occurs when deep thinkers are overly sensitive and either overanalyze or take things personally, leaving them feeling sad, angry, or resentful. On the other hand, when deep thinkers are able to accurately process incoming information, they often experience a sense of clarity, which gives them the insight with which to effectively solve problems. A clear understanding of a situation also helps people cope with difficult situations and gives them a greater sense of control in their lives, leaving them with a global sense of well-being.